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Posts Tagged ‘behaviour’


I received a very profound post which said that whatever comes our way won’t go away until we have learnt our lessons. I cannot even begin to endorse the truth of this statement. Whatever comes our way has been called for or invited by us, mainly by resisting the flow of life. We don’t give life a chance to happen. We are so full of ego that we want to make life happen and that too, OUR way. And the way we do this is by inflating ourselves to a level close to bursting. It’s so amazing, the absurdity of thinking we can get away with anything! Or that it is okay once in a while to look after our self interest at the cost of another. That it is acceptable to defy the spiritual teachings, make deliberate mistakes and run to a temple to cleanse periodically…. so that we can sin some more???
So be it! We then have to be prepared for trying situations sitting at our doorstep waiting for our learning before going to the next door.

Surekha Kothari

http://www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

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On flight this morning, i was reading an interview by the actor Irfan Khan. He speaks admiringly of the Hollywood punctuality . He says if shooting is slated to begin at 7 am, it begins at 7 am. And if one person is late, hundreds of messages are sent to those involved in the shoot, I imagine, because their time is as important as anyone else”s. And now let us look at our own attitudes ! Is RSVP important if you have been given the courtesy of being invited to a dinner or an event ? No, sirree..how can I tell you from now if I feel like coming or not ? Maybe, there will be a better event coming along ! Or maybe, a more important “contact” may invite me. Or, maybe, i can be on Page 3 if I go to THAT particular event…the list could be endless ! Here, the host and hostess invite first and then make the calls asking if the invited guest is gracing the occasion. Not to mention the amounts of delicacies being prepared !

I am known for plain speak but I speak the sentiments of many who don’t voice this in so many words. I mean, where is all this coming from ? Are we the same Indians, to whom consideration and respect for relationships was second nature ? Have we become so insensetive to others ? Or rather, sensetive to only ourselves ? For, we have developed this major attitude of dishing out but not being able to accept it.

Once, much to my amusement, I got thrown out of a “who is who” list of musicians because I was just unable to attend the musical evening at this couple’s place twice in a row and for very genuine reasons. It can happen to the best of us and we should understand this without taking it personally. But I was told very righteously that they don’t give so many chances to anyone. I am still languishing !

No. Really. Jokes apart, why such massive egos and complexes, guys ? A few years on this earth and the illusion that we are here forever !

Be considerate, sensitive and kind. . Just love and be loved. Care and be cared for. Connect and be connected…it is so simple.

Surekha Kothari

http://www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

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I counsel many of my clients about taking charge of their lives. But, at what point does that happen?  How does it happen? Does a bell suddenly ring in the head, like the school bell indicating a change in activity? Or, is there a sudden spark in the brain?

That triggers at the right time can change me drastically is a truth I can’t deny. This can happen to anyone. But life changing triggers can often be compelling and often, passed by because we don’t perceive them as triggers. In the latter case, I will start building up repeated patterns for sure, because I will continue to behave in the same manner and therefore, evidently, attract the same results.

 

So, what do I mean when I say “take charge of your life”? We are not even aware of the extent to which we live our lives by the standards and expectations of others. Socially, when we indulge in group activities, we conform to a group standard. At home, we are bogged down by many diverse energies amidst which we often lose our own. Even if we were isolated, our own desires and expectations from ourselves and life would invariably strike at our core existence issues.

 

I understand taking charge of my life, not as doing what I like without consideration for others. I feel when I am in charge of my life, I am able to make conscious choices and take balanced decisions, which would benefit everyone. I take charge of my life at every step during each day.  I also realize that sometimes, I am not able to take charge and I find other people or events have taken charge at that point. The only way I can then take charge is to accept gracefully what I cannot change. That, in my mind, is also taking charge.

 

If we are looking for a formula for taking charge, the route we have to take is through being masters of our thoughts and emotions and understanding that compromises are unavoidable sometimes, and also necessary for our growth. For example, one who loses a tournament is in charge if the attitude is an “accepting with a smile” one. I am in charge if I accept what I cannot change but renew my efforts with a new vigor each time.

 

Emotions play a very important role in deciding if I am in charge. The moment I internalize negative emotions about anyone or anything, I am no longer in charge because I have allowed my negativity to take away my power. Lost power always translates into a lack of charge.  The moment I create blocks within me, I am no longer in charge of my life. Something or someone has affected me enough to wrest my charge away from me.

 

We keep passing the buck onto to anyone and everyone. We are reticent about shouldering the responsibility of what, in fact, we create with our reactions and responses. The day we stop blaming our relationships, the events in our life and start thinking of where we exercised the wrong choices, where we preferred short term gains by giving up charge, where we compromised wrongly, why we put ourselves under the control of someone, that will be the first step towards regaining the charge. First, I need to know why and where I lost it. Then I need to have the courage to make changes, however challenging, to retrieve the charge of my life. Finally, I need to embark upon a new plan of action inspired by the core self.

 

People who have the charge of their lives have a glow on the face, confidence in their eyes and in their stride. They are not fazed by failure, criticism nor are they remotely connected with negativity. They are leaders and teachers. They are path finders. They are on the path of ascension.

 

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

surekhakothari.wordpress.com

Speakingtree Blog: www.speakingtree.in/public/surekhakothari

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I have to hand it to some people. They are so “holier than thou” and so self-righteous, I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. And honesty? Wow! They truly excel at it. They are so eager to tell you everything that is wrong with you and about you. Be it men or women, dare you feel bad about anything on your own and deprive people of their little piece of vicarious pleasure while they make comments and indulge in “free” advice!  For example, put on weight, folks, but wait for the “honest” opinions about the bulk you have added on to come in before you actually begin to feel low. “You have really put on weight”, they say with such a straight face!Familiarity? No. Anything but that! This comes from people who are mere acquaintances but feel they have the birth right to comment on you freely, to watch your reactions and have a laugh at your expense.. Of course, if this doesn’t kill you with frustration, guilt or anger, it will only end up making you strong enough to make a “tongue in cheek” retort. Instead of turning the other cheek in true “martyr” style.

 

As children, when we were taught manners, we were told we must never ask a woman her age and a man how much he earns. It was not “graceful” or polite to do so. I think it definitely had something to do with being sensitive to the feelings of others. But as we grew up, other areas of life started coming within the purview of “grace” if its connotation is sensitivity to others.

  

Actually, it struck me some time ago that we are very self-absorbed and not very sporting (unless we are watching cricket or tennis on the television) and therefore, putting others down makes us feel somewhat superior. What a pathetic way to feel so! But do we care? It is all about making “me” feel good, however temporarily.  Tragically, I have seen people hiding huge skeletons in their emotional cupboards by targeting the weaknesses and misfortunes of others. There is seldom any remorse or introspection because the alternate prospect of facing their true selves is frightening.

 

We all have opinions about each other but the wise speak with care and non-judgmentally. Familiarity implies caring and compassion, not the right to say anything you like to anyone and every one. Whether the bonds are thin or thick, gracelessness is always gracelessness under any garb and any circumstances. It only demonstrates the negative persona of the one who practices it.

  

I have noticed that if there is no grace at home, there isn’t any outside either. As they say, charity begins at home and this applies to everything. Habits are formed early in life. Grace, consideration, politeness, respect are a part of learned behavior. So, either it is taught, learned by observation or the hard way, through experience.

 

I think it is very essential to remember not to “cross the line” in any relationship to preserve its sanctity while we focus on thinking, speaking and acting as we would like others to do unto us.

 

Surekha Kothari          

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

surekhakothari.wordpress.com

Speakingtree Blog: www.speakingtree.in/public/surekhakothari

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“As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.”

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller, we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.”

I chanced upon this story while I was browsing the Internet and wanted to share this revealing thought that each of us has tied ourselves voluntarily to our fears, low confidence levels and self esteem as well as to others. Do you know that these emotions of “feeling tied up” actually manifest in our body? Under hypnosis, many of my clients have actually described the ropes around their feet and ankles and have tried to break free of them during the session. It is the perception of their inability to move on in life due to their inability to let go of the past episodes and feelings that arose from them.

Just like the elephant in the story, these ropes are tied to us during our formative years, sometimes through conditioning and being dictated to, sometimes through intimidation or a demand for subjugation to an elder and sometimes just from our own lack of energy or incentive to break away. At the core of all this is our ignorance which makes us believe we are powerless to break free.

When people have come and told me they are very contented and have none of the fears similar to what I am talking about here, their body language, their facial expressions have often betrayed their false bravado. It is not easy to let go of attachments, either to people or to places. We even get attached to events, especially those that are unsavory. We hold on to them, relive them, feel the emotions again and again, deepening the effects of those emotions rather than letting them go as meaningless and detrimental to us. Later, these emotions convert into envy or dislike and even hatred which can manifest even in crime in extreme cases. All this starts within us due to our inability to let go of the past and break free from the bondage perceived by our mind and emotions, thus “nipping in the bud” what can be a threat to our well being.

It seems unpalatable that despite the higher intelligence we humans are gifted with, our free will and choices don’t conform to this intelligence because the mind seems to be ego driven. Somewhere along the way, the ego dominates the intelligence and reduces or bypasses all knowledge that, I believe, we all have within us but don’t choose to illuminate ourselves with, at the best of times or the worst of times.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

surekhakothari.wordpress.com

Speakingtree Blog: www.speakingtree.in/public/surekhakothari

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This process of re inventing yourself ever so often is a very exciting one. I see so many bored people around me. They have the affluence and everything money can buy, but they don’t know what to do with themselves. There is no motivation, no drive. There is no attempt to venture into new pastures and learn from the endless aspects life has to offer. There is a buried treasure in all of us, just waiting to be discovered.

I have seen an external kind of re inventing in women when they dress up with a different look each time with a great deal of enthusiasm. I have seen men don many a face to impress women. There seems to be much activity centered around the mirror and some of it around the personality traits, of which some may be genuine and some acquired to impress.

What concerns me is the subtle erosion of self esteem and a subtle stress that creeps up unobtrusively when the mind is idle and non creative. Creativity is the one major requirement in re inventing ourselves. I always think of the “All the world’s a stage” statement of Shakespeare. Imagine what we can do with our lives if we decided to actually live this statement! There would never be a dull moment. We would be donning new costumes and new roles with each act as well as attempting to live that role on stage. Why is this attitude missing in real life?

What creates this complete inertia, this boredom, this ennui that even the best dressed person cannot hide for long under a mask or a garb of pretence or by the frenzy of partying continuously?

Actually, we don’t really know what to do with ourselves. The zest for life comes naturally as a gift to some and some have to acquire it. It is the latter that is a challenge. It is all a matter of perception and how we use our creativity. Do we let it become just a fad or do we actually use it as a natural aspect of ourselves? There is an eternal fountain of creativity in all of us and with our active imaginations, we can turn the most basic and boring chore to an exciting event. The pre condition is that we stop labeling activities according to the condition of our minds.” I can do it but I don’t feel like, at this time”, is a revealing statement signifying low energy and low incentive. Since we brought it on ourselves, only we can change ourselves to make the desired shift to vibrancy and verve.

I love being around children because they are so bubbly, so full of beans and so adventurous. Have you seen a child making a sand castle by the sea shore? It will painstakingly reconstruct the castle every time a bit of it falls, and each time, it will build a slightly different one. Even if the waters of the ocean wash it away, it will start building all over again with the same zeal and excitement. Adults mostly lack this spontaneity and spirit.

What we do is definitely important to us but HOW we do it is the part that causes adults grief because we are more concentrated on how others are going to perceive what we do. This takes away the joy of the act. In comparison, children are not bothered about anything except their own pleasure in their ability to create something. I think children instinctively understand that the journey has to be enjoyable. As adults, many of them lose the “child” within them.

By conforming to and emulating the children’s standards, adults can re invent themselves every day. A musician can play the same tune, changing it a little each time to make it sound like a new one. A homemaker can improvise the same menu to taste different each time. An Engineer can learn dancing. If one career doesn’t go anywhere, there is always scope to divert our career path to another direction. Life can be fun also.

In reality, we are all a sum total of many personalities that live within us. We can activate one or more of these whenever we want, if we understand and appreciate our creativity. Then, Shakespeare’s words would start acquiring a depth of meaning and possibilities. When he calls human beings actors with different roles to play, is he wrong? Aren’t we donning different roles and trying to juggle them successfully? We have several jack-in-the-box type people inside us that pop up with the right triggers. We need to dare to go with those triggers and explore new horizons creatively.

We are creatures who can invent and re invent ourselves. This is a God given gift and a wonderful one at that. I have done that all through my life by changing from an academician to a dancer to a musician to heading organizations to becoming a Hypnotherapist. It has been a phenomenal journey once I decided I would wear the attitude of discovering myself, the world and beyond. I could never have done this if I had not taken the risk of being different and sometimes, isolated, because, It is difficult to do exceptional things with the approval of those around, especially when the visions are not in sync. However, the experiences one gets along the way are irreplaceable and one doesn’t realize how quickly one travels from the space of “lonely” to “alone” joyfully and willingly.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

surekhakothari.wordpress.com

Speakingtree Blog: www.speakingtree.in/public/surekhakothari

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“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.”
Rumi

I am really surprised when, while talking to people, I realize that spirituality is perceived as yet another subject like Chemistry or Psychology. Ironically, despite the fact that spirituality is natural and intrinsic to human beings, it is actually a topic which does not naturally interest many.

Often, the problem is that we read so much and listen to so many elders and even preachers that confusion reigns supreme. Only when we actually learn to look within us, will we come across the right and final direction which points inwards.

All of us, at one time or another, have had sublime experiences; the joy that we feel at holding a baby, or doing something unconditionally for someone , or just sitting calmly near an ocean, watching the world go by. Meditators will speak of the joy of being spell bound spectators of the self as it is gradually revealed. All this joy, all this happiness has its source within us. There is divinity in such moments, with the experience of being one with Divine Energy.

This experience brings us to the question, “besides the physical form, who are we?” Evidently, there is an inner world of experiences beyond the physical body. Going deeper into ourselves will give us some wonderful answers. What we call “spirituality” is merely the realization of the soul, or “atma” or “spirit” which is encased within the body, like a temple structure has a sanctum sanctorum housing the deity. The outer structure of the temple, often beautified with carvings and murals, therefore, also becomes holy. We worship the deity with all our reverence and protect the temple, too..

But, we fail to apply this reality to ourselves. Temples are symbolic of the human form. But the faith we have while praying in the temple fades away when we come back to real life situations. Today, the accent on looks and outer beauty certainly demonstrates an eagerness for beautifying the external form. But, is the same attention given to our “spirit” within? In fact, in many cases, the body is abused instead of being protected and this happens because of the imbalances created by our worldly desires and our inability to understand the nature of our spirituality. If we keep the attitude that spirituality is outside us, we will never be able to be whole and complete, however rich or physically beautiful we are during the few years we live in this world.

The integration of spirituality with the physical body brings about the balance required to fulfill the individual soul plan for this lifetime. I am aware that there is some amount of disbelief and even cynicism in this “theory”. I understand that human beings are on different levels of evolution. Just as this is my truth, others have their own truths. But I believe that to share these truths is important because when they are assessed with an open mind, humility and an intention of learning, some of them may be extremely useful for some of us. I never doubt the fact that if you are a seeker, you will learn from anything in Creation, from an ant to an elephant, from the trees to the clouds in the sky, from a man on the street to a sage, and, above all, from the “gurus” who light the candle of knowledge to help us understand every small and big truth.

Having said all this, the brightest light shines within each of us. Let us become illuminated souls, together on a wonderful journey of self discovery and self realization.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

surekhakothari.wordpress.com

Speakingtree Blog: www.speakingtree.in/public/surekhakothari

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